I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
