I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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