'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
