She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
3pm strippers are depressing
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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