Don't make out with my wife yet
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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