Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
