Four minutes until I can fart!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
