You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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