And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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