Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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