I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I understand Curling. That high.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
