I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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