My sheets look like a crime scene.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
