how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
