Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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