I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
