i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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