You really coming over, don't trick.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
