My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
