I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
