I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
