I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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