When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
