You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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