used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
