I think I won the penis lottery.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize