fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
