She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
