I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
