I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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