If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
