I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
