I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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