Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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