My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
