If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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