I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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