There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
