it was like his penis was on wheels.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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