My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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