Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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