If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize