It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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