saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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