Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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