my mouth tastes like poor choices
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
