I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
