a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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