Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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