I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
