I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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