Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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