According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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