The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I want her autograph on my taint
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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