theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
