I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
