I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
