Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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