Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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