Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
